BFF - It's not what you think.

Every once in a while I see a shared post on Facebook acknowledging and supporting people with "unseen" issues.  You know, those things no one likes to talk about - financial or marital struggles, unemployment, parenting challenges, depression, etc.  Why don't we like to talk about them?  Personally, I believe it's because we have a tendency to place a 'norm' on others - a norm we expect them to conform to - mostly OUR beliefs.  What's wrong with this expectation?  Well, primarily, the fact that no two of us are alike.  Therefore, no two of us will think alike.  

So, those things we don't like to talk about....what are we to do with them?  There are lots of options - talk about them, stuff them, pretend they don't exist, etc.  I tend to do 2 out of 3 of them - mostly the latter two.  What I've learned is that tactic isn't very helpful.  So, I suffer.  And when I suffer, so does almost everyone around me. 

I've never been a big proponent of change.  I like a predictable routine. It's less to think about.  I like that.  Moving my kids and myself away from the predictable has been the very essence of change.  It isn't alway easy.  Who am I trying to kid?  MOST days it isn't easy. 

Ben seems to be okay; Elizabeth, my drama queen, lets me know on a fairly regular basis how much she misses her friends and her dad.   She and I butt heads.  Often.  She is rude to my husband, ignores our questions, and storms and stomps off to her room whenever she feels slighted, which is often.  Frankly, I don't know how to deal with it, with her.  So, I snap.  Often.

My husband has very different ideas about how to parent.  I haven't had second-parent back-up in several years so his support is helpful....except when we disagree on what to do or how to do it.  Which is often.

So, herein lies BFF.  It's not what you think.  It's Blended Family Feud.  And it's difficult, to say the least.

Looking back on my growing up years, I always thought of my mom as the keeper of the peace between my sister and I and our dad.  Simply, she is the one who seemed to keep our household on an even keel.  This stress of being stuck in the middle between my kids and husband is more than I can handle.  I've felt the pressure and haven't handled it well.  I am constantly on edge. The slightest thing can send me over the edge.  And it happens, too often.  I've never been my mom.  But that even keel is what I long for.

I had an appointment this morning with a new doctor.  She patiently sat and listened to my tearful woes (aka sob story).  She seemed to really hear me.  She was very sensitive to my sensitivity about being labeled....especially when she mentioned bi-polar.  Yeah.....one of those things we don't like to talk to about.  Those "unseen" issues. I don't know if I'm bi-polar.  That label scares me.  It frightens me what others may think of me.  But I seem to have some symptoms of "light" bi-polarism.  I've had bouts of depression since I was in high school.  I was diagnosed clinically depressed during my first divorce.  I have had thoughts of suicide.  I used to cut on myself because physical pain was easier to handle than emotional pain.  I can become volatile at the slightest, stupidest thing then almost immediately feel remorse and regret.  I'm both highly aware of the volatility and simultaneously unable to control it.  

I don't always like who I am and particularly, who I am toward my kids and husband. I want to be better.  I long for my mom's even keel.  I'm going to try a new medication and hope it can bring about some stability.  And maybe this blended family might have a better chance of blending peacefully.  Maybe Blended Family Feud might become Best Friends Forever.